Coping and Moving On

Considering what I have gone through in the past week or so, I think I am doing relatively well. I can't help but wonder "why me" and this is what I am having the hardest time dealing with. I know that so many women go through what I am going through and all, I'm not special in that by any means. How many women have to go through all the complications with one birth that barely enabled me to have a chance of conceiving again and then take the first child that I conceive after that point? Now, I'm sure that some of you are thinking "atleast you already have one child" are wondering what I am so whiney about. I have always wanted two kids, that's it. I don't want O to be an only child and at this point in my life, I'm ready for the second one. How many couples out their get divorced? should they never be able to get married again since they already had one spouse? I think not! Ah, rant over.

Ironically in this month's parents magazine that I received the day after my D&C, there is an article on "second time infertility" - is this supposed to be some kind of sign to me?

I have my follow-up appointment next Friday to make sure that everything is healing as it should be. The doctor seems to think that we can start trying again as soon as we want - phycially maybe, emotionally may take some more time for us.

I've been really trying to get back into my routine as the beginning of the semester is quickly approaching and I really should be "over it" soon. (At least as it is seen by most people - i.e. no more breaking down and crying in front of non-family about it). Getting back to work is nice, but I will be even better once I can start working out again - need to lose some more of this darn tummy of mine! So you all better watch out - a smokin' hot mama will be coming your way soon!!

A tough week

This past week has probably been the worst week of my life. I had my first prenatal appointment. Now I am one that doesn't believe I am pregnant until I get to either see and/or hear my baby. The doctor and I were discussing who would deliver the baby since she is moving in September, and what day we would have it on (March 1) since I would get to have a scheduled c-section. They then do an ultrasound to see how many babies are in there and to listen to the heartbeat. Good news - only 1 baby. Seeing it just made my heart melt. But I could tell something was wrong with the way the doctor was searching for something. I asked what was wrong and she said she couldn't locate a heartbeat - my heart just sunk and I was in denial.

She wanted me to go to the hospital to get a second opinion with higher level ultrasound technology. Three hours later, the worst was confirmed - the baby was dead.

Then we had to decide what we were going to do - I had no signs of a miscarriage. I could either wait to see if nature ran its course or have a D & C performed to remove the fetus. After discussion a lot with my family, especially my Aunt Robyn who is a nurse, I was advised to go ahead with the D & C so that I would be under a controlled environment.

I went in yesterday and had the surgery performed. Although I was totally out for the procedure, the idea of my baby being taken out of me is very hard to deal with. Shouldn't have too long of a physical recovery, don't know if I will ever fully recover emotionally.

House Issues

Well, we were supposed to close on our house last night...the paperwork hadn't gone through yet so we weren't "cleared" to close yet. Had some last minute paperwork that this company needed from me...verification of deposit (to make sure we actually have the money for our down payment) and we didn't have one after the "ernest money" had cleared (the money we had to put down when we signed the contract). Then we needed to put initials by all of these things on the contract. I think I finally have everything they want...but since it wasn't going to be done today either we also had to make an addendum to the contract to change our closing date to be by the 25th now instead.

FUN FUN FUN