Tough Day Emotionally

Let me start with saying how thankful I really am. I am very lucky to have such a great family both immediate and extended, great friends, a job I enjoy and my health. I am very excited about becoming a Mom again in a few months.

So why is today so hard for me? Why can't I stop thinking about it? Even though I have fully physically and primarily emotionally recovered, I can't help but think about what could have been. Today is the day that I could have been becoming a mother again. While I am very excited about my current pregnancy and my little girl that is coming in June, I can't help but think about the child that I lost so early on. I don't think it is wrong of me to remember that child as that child is with God, but remembering that child is also helping me to be appreciative of what I do have in my life and about how fragile life really is.

So with that said, I hope all my friends and family know how much they mean to me. Their love and support are irreplaceable.

The Summer Ends....

I can't believe how quickly this summer has went by. I really enjoyed getting to spend a lot of time with my family in Nebraska and the cooler weather that we have been having in Kentucky lately.

O has been doing really well with his potty training. This week was the first week that we tried big boy underwear all of the time during the day, and he went all week at daycare without wetting at all! He had a couple of accidents at home, but I have been shocked that he has been doing so well. Once he gets a bigger boy bed, then we may see how things go with whether or not we'll try big boy underwear at night. I know that will probably take longer. I can't believe that he is going to be three in less than a month!!

I had my follow-up appointment after my D&C yesterday. When I got there, I was a little upset as they didn't have me on their schedule - are you kidding me? but they managed to squeeze me in a half hour later. I had really been doing pretty good until I got to the office. Seeing all of these rather pregnant women was getting to me a little bit, but the nurse that called my name was the one that was there when I found out the baby had no heartbeat and she asked me how I was doing - that was the first time I had cried about this (except in B's presence) in about a week. My blood pressure was a little high for me (120/78) and I had lost 8 lbs in the last two weeks (which was ok'd by the doctor - she knew I was trying to lose some weight too). Appears I should be ok to try again when we're ready - so that is good news.

Can't believe that classes start on Monday! Looking forward to it some - I went into this profession for the teaching so I'm ready to get back to it. I have my reappointment materials due in mid-September though (for the following year). It is so hard to "sell myself" to people that don't me that well. I really don't like bragging on myself too so that makes this hard - all self promotion. "look at how good I am at this" and "look at how much my students like me"... not fun!

Enjoying my last homework grading - , class planning - , test preparing - free weekend. It will be Christmas before I know it!

Coping and Moving On

Considering what I have gone through in the past week or so, I think I am doing relatively well. I can't help but wonder "why me" and this is what I am having the hardest time dealing with. I know that so many women go through what I am going through and all, I'm not special in that by any means. How many women have to go through all the complications with one birth that barely enabled me to have a chance of conceiving again and then take the first child that I conceive after that point? Now, I'm sure that some of you are thinking "atleast you already have one child" are wondering what I am so whiney about. I have always wanted two kids, that's it. I don't want O to be an only child and at this point in my life, I'm ready for the second one. How many couples out their get divorced? should they never be able to get married again since they already had one spouse? I think not! Ah, rant over.

Ironically in this month's parents magazine that I received the day after my D&C, there is an article on "second time infertility" - is this supposed to be some kind of sign to me?

I have my follow-up appointment next Friday to make sure that everything is healing as it should be. The doctor seems to think that we can start trying again as soon as we want - phycially maybe, emotionally may take some more time for us.

I've been really trying to get back into my routine as the beginning of the semester is quickly approaching and I really should be "over it" soon. (At least as it is seen by most people - i.e. no more breaking down and crying in front of non-family about it). Getting back to work is nice, but I will be even better once I can start working out again - need to lose some more of this darn tummy of mine! So you all better watch out - a smokin' hot mama will be coming your way soon!!

A tough week

This past week has probably been the worst week of my life. I had my first prenatal appointment. Now I am one that doesn't believe I am pregnant until I get to either see and/or hear my baby. The doctor and I were discussing who would deliver the baby since she is moving in September, and what day we would have it on (March 1) since I would get to have a scheduled c-section. They then do an ultrasound to see how many babies are in there and to listen to the heartbeat. Good news - only 1 baby. Seeing it just made my heart melt. But I could tell something was wrong with the way the doctor was searching for something. I asked what was wrong and she said she couldn't locate a heartbeat - my heart just sunk and I was in denial.

She wanted me to go to the hospital to get a second opinion with higher level ultrasound technology. Three hours later, the worst was confirmed - the baby was dead.

Then we had to decide what we were going to do - I had no signs of a miscarriage. I could either wait to see if nature ran its course or have a D & C performed to remove the fetus. After discussion a lot with my family, especially my Aunt Robyn who is a nurse, I was advised to go ahead with the D & C so that I would be under a controlled environment.

I went in yesterday and had the surgery performed. Although I was totally out for the procedure, the idea of my baby being taken out of me is very hard to deal with. Shouldn't have too long of a physical recovery, don't know if I will ever fully recover emotionally.