The Choice: Working Mom

I have a blogging friend who became a stay-at-home-mom soon after her son was born.  Her and I have talked some and I believe that we are both tired of peopling judging the choice that we made (as well as other choices that we make as mothers).  Every family, child, situation is different and no one else has the right to tell a mother (or anyone for that matter) that they are a poor one because of some choice that they made.

Yesterday, she shared her choice of becoming a SAHM.  Today, here is mine for choosing to be a working mom.  So first, some back story:

In fall of 2005, I was in my 4th year of grad school.  My husband and I had been married for a bit more than 3 years at this time.  One of the reasons I considered not going on for my PhD was wanting to have children sooner rather than later.  I began looking at classes for the next semester and realized I only had one more class to take (then just working on my thesis).  So, if I were to have a baby soon, I would at least be done with my classes.  I also believed that I could finish up my thesis fine with having a child.  Finally, we had heard of so many couples taken a lot of time to get pregnant, so we figured, the sooner we started "trying" the better.  So, my husband and I actually started to "not prevent" in November of 2005.  I found out in early January 2006 that I was in deed pregnant already!  We were due in mid-September.

When I had my son, Owen, I was very lucky to be at the university that I was.  I was only teaching one class (at night) and they were able to give me maternity leave for 6 weeks (I actually went back in 4 weeks due to students having problems!).  My husband got home from work in time for me to go to my 2 day-a-week class.  In November, I found out that I was going to have to teach 2 classes (3 days a week) during the day for the spring semester to keep my assistantship.  So I started looking for a daycare.  We were able to find a very nice in-home daycare who charged us $1.50/hour, so we didn't have to worry too much about the cost!

Now to be honest, I don't know how much of a "choice" it was for me to be a working mom.  And by that I am not talking about feeling forced into working to keep my assistantship.  What I mean is that I never really considered the alternative of being a SAHM.  Whenever I pictured my future, I was working and had kids.  I got to see what being a SAHM would be like that first 4 months of Owen's life, and it wasn't a negative experience by any means.  I cherished every moment, as well as every moment after that.  I know that one of the things I want to teach my children is to follow your dreams and that you are capable of anything you set your mind to.  I believed this myself - why can't I have it all?  A great career and a great family.  I believe that I have both and plan to work hard to keep it that way.

I think that any family that goes through the decision process will always look at pros and cons.  So I have compiled my list of those from my perspective.

Pros

• I get to have my identity that is separate from "mommy."
• My children light up when they see me come home (or pick them up)
• My children get lots of social experiences.
• My children get to learn from people specifically trained in early-childhood education (I was trained in secondary education)
• We all get to tell each other about our day.
• I have people built in to help me when one of my children is struggling (another opinion, set of eyes, etc has been great to have with Quinn)
• Extra income

Cons

• A lot less time with them during the week.
• Other people may see the "milestones" before me :(
• Mommy guilt - feeling that I shouldn't need "me" time since I'm already away from the kids so much!
• Feeling "judged" by other Mommys for not staying home.
• Trying to find the balance.
• Having to worry more about what you are going to do when the  children are sick.

I'm sure there are some other pros/cons out there for working moms - others of you feel free to add to these pros and cons!

But again, most important - each family is different and needs to make the decision that is best for their family!

The Choice: Stay at Home Mom (Guest Post)

Today's guest post comes from a friend of mine, Branson. We were friends in high school but became even closer when we were pregnant together-she had her son a few weeks before I had Quinn. Here she is going to share how she made the choice to be a stay-at-home-mom and tomorrow I'll share my decision. Enjoy!



When Jackie asked me to write a post about my decision to become a stay-at-home mom, I thought it would be an easy post. I feel like this is what I was meant to do, and can't imagine things any other way. But then I sat down to really think about it, and I remember that it hasn't always been this way. It is easy to see things as simple now that I have been at this gig for over a year, but the truth is that the decision to take that leap of faith into one income is one that was not made lightly. In fact, I remember writing a new blog post every week announcing my decision to stay home... then go back... then stay home... then go back. Anyone who remembers that period probably laughs at me saying now that I knew it was the right choice. But I did... eventually.

Having a baby is something that my husband and I had all but given up on. When I got pregnant, I had just started a brand new job that I was super excited about. I had big goals, and big dreams, and at that point there was no doubt in my mind that none of that was going to change. I told anyone who would listen how I planned to work until I went into labor, and then keep my maternity leave to a minimum. I was incredibly excited to be having a child, but didn't think of myself as a "baby person" and thought I could see myself being a working mom for sure.

Fast forward to my second trimester. I was miserably sick far past when everyone had told me I would start to feel better. Work was nearly impossible, with having to run to the bathroom over and over. Then I was diagnosed with mild gestational diabetes, and my blood pressure started to get out of control. At that point I was placed on modified bedrest, and took a leave of absence from work. I was still convinced I would go back, though, and I did. I started feeling better, and returned to work after about a month. I loved my job as much as ever, and wanted to keep my goals of advancement on the "fast track". I definitely did not get to work until I went into labor. Instead I ended up going back on leave so that I could keep up with by-weekly monitoring of the baby and my bed rest. When they decided to induce me 3 weeks early, and then I ended up having a c-section, it seemed like my plan was starting to slip away. 

We had made all the arrangements for me to go back to work. We had moved Matt's brother in with us to care for Aiden while we were at work. We had my Mom ready to jump in if needed. What we had not counted on is what motherhood would really be like for me. In spite of some struggles with depression, I was head over heels in love with my little boy. As it turned out, I was indeed a baby person after all. I felt complete when he was with me, and everything about this perfect, tiny person was amazing. So, on that first day back to work I felt like my heart was breaking. Everyone told me it was normal... that it would be okay. Then the first day of heartbreak turned into weeks of uncontrollable sobbing every time I got in the car. It wasn't getting any better. 

They gave me another leave of absence, for more bonding time. Then they gave me a part time schedule. That job gave me everything I asked to try to keep me. However, in the end the only thing I really wanted was to be home with my son. I had waited so many years to become a mother. I felt like I had finally been given this gift that had once seemed like just a fantasy... and I wanted to fully receive it. So, here I am. I am now  content being "just a mom". Sometimes I miss working, often I miss adult interaction, and yes I still dream about having a career someday. I know that work will always be there, though. What won't last are these precious days of babyhood. 

I am now more interested in soaking up every moment with my son. I am excited about the fact that he is growing and learning and I don't have to hear about it from anyone else. We have had to make sacrafices. Living on one income is not easy. We don't get to travel as much as we would like, we only have one vehicle, we buy our clothes and toys at consignment stores instead of the malls, and there are times when we wonder where the money for unexpected expenses will come from. But you know what? We are also learning more and more to trust that God will provide... and he always does. That was never more apparent than when my husband recently lost his job. Going from a one-income family to a no-income family was scary, but we were blessed with incredible support and a quick resolution.

There is no one choice that will fit every lifestyle, or every family. I can only do what is best for my own family, and I feel incredibly blessed to be able to make that choice and follow through without regrets. Having the faith to take that leap, and the courage to follow my dream of being a stay-at-home mama, is exactly the kind of example I want to set for my son. I want to see him follow his dreams, and know that no matter what they are, they are worth fighting for.

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Branson is the wife of a super-tall guy with a huge heart, a mama to one very sweet little mop-top boy, and an aunt to many. That's her day job! Sheis  a child of God, and a stubborn one at that, who is constantly re-learning the amazing promises that my Heavenly Father has laid out for her. She is a photography enthusiast, who loves capturing the beauty of creation with her camera. You can find her blogging about motherhood, faith, photography, and more over at My Reflection of Something. She also runs the weekly Edit Me Challenge and can be found tweeting up a storm.

Back to Nebraska

Tuesday, December 09, 2008
Nebraska time Current mood: chipper Category: Life
We went back to Nebraska for Thanksgiving. Honestly, once we arrived it was like I had never been gone. Not much had really changed in Lincoln - though I was glad that the O Street bridge was finally finished!!

Made sure that we ate at Runza one night since that is one of our favorite places that we don't have out in Kentucky! (We do have some favorites from here though - Penn Station, O'Charley's and Max and Erma's are all great!)

I was excited to finally get to see my nephew - he is so cute, facially he reminds me a lot of his sister. She is currently potty-trained so I got to take her to the potty a few times as well - definitely a new experience. Makes me wonder how that will go with Owen - maybe we'll start trying after January when we get back again.

Seeing my new nephew makes me want to have another one - I just don't know if this is the right time with it being my first year and all. But after what happened with Owen, who knows if I can have another one and even if I can, who knows how long it would take. All of you that know me well know that I am a planner and this is just something I don't get a lot of control of, which of course bugs me to death!

Went up to UNL to see some old profs and classmates of mine. It was kind of weird to see people in my office but it isn't like I expected to them to leave the room empty and create and altar for me!

Really enjoyed getting to see my best friend. They say you know you are really good friends when you get together after not seeing each other for a long time and it feels as though you just saw them yesterday. This is one friendship that has really stuck. She is looking for jobs this year - which are going to be really hard to find with the economy the way it is. I hope that she finds something that she will like, but of course I selfishly hope that the place is closer to me!
Getting together with the families was a bit difficult with a cranky 2-year old. We only got to stay for a couple of hours before we had to leave, but it was great seeing everyone. A couple of my cousins are graduating this year and am sorry that I won't get to be back to see them graduate. They have both grown up to me pretty admirable women - it will be interesting to see what they do next.

The drive home was okay for the most part. Owen started get a bit restless just outside the Indiana border - so we only had about 2-2.5 hours left at this point. We'll see how the drive goes by myself in a couple of weeks!!